Text: Marjolein de Jong | Photo: Maarten Delobel | February 10, 2023
Is love a popular topic in evolutionary psychology?
“Our field would cease to exist without love.” Reproductive success is the most important prerequisite for having children. The people who felt love for one another were the ones who succeeded in raising a family and who were able to pass on their genes. Love is incredibly important as a prerequisite for passing on your genes to the next generation.”
So, from an evolutionary perspective, is the idea of “a house, a tree, and a pet” entirely justified?
“Absolutely. Of all primate species, we are the most monogamous. We’re looking for a life partner for the rest of our lives, or at least for the time that we have a family and raise children together. That’s hardwired into us evolutionarily. We have to make significant investments to raise a helpless baby into an adult who can, in turn, start a family of their own.
The fact that we’re the most monogamous species doesn’t mean we’re exclusively monogamous. Men and women also have partly conflicting interests. Men need to invest less in their offspring—think of pregnancy or breastfeeding. During that time, men can explore other relationships that might increase their chances of having more children. Men generally have a higher sex drive and are slightly more likely to seek short-term relationships. This can lead to visits to prostitutes, adultery, extramarital affairs, or divorce.’
“There’s no truth to the idea that opposites attract.”
What makes people fall in love with each other?
“What you see as a general trend is that, because humans are naturally so monogamous, we look for someone who is compatible. There’s no truth to the idea that‘opposites attract.’ We engage in assortative mating. Within our own social circle—with shared interests, background, and education—we have the best chance of finding a romantic partner. That way, you’re most likely to agree on how to raise a child and how to divide responsibilities. The message is: keep looking within your own circle as much as possible if you’re looking for a successful long-term relationship.
And what about physical appearance or scent?
“For women, physical attractiveness and youthfulness are more important. For men, these factors play a slightly smaller role; it’s more about the ambition they display, their intelligence, or whether they might have financial resources. In addition, both genders primarily look for kindness, a good character, and reliability because you’re entering into a long-term relationship with each other.
Scent goes beyond just smelling good. In a scent study, some sociologists observed that women chose the T-shirt belonging to a man with more masculine traits. This has to do with the relationship between scent and genetic compatibility. You’re sexually repelled by the scent of a sexual partner who is “too closely related to you” genetically, in order to prevent inbreeding.
Is there a shift taking place in the way we view love and sexuality?
“Women have a stronger need for a life partner who has status and is socially successful, and that instinct doesn’t really change as women become more economically independent and highly educated themselves. She doesn’t want to date ‘down,’ so the pool from which she can choose becomes smaller. This is especially true in a city like Amsterdam, where there are relatively many highly educated single women and few highly educated single men.
One of my Chinese Ph.D. students once referred to herself as the ‘third gender.’ Beyond the male-female dichotomy, she saw herself as a woman who might have difficulty finding a husband upon returning to China because she will soon be highly educated. In certain parts of the world—including rural areas in the Netherlands—there are many men with a somewhat lower social status who may not be able to find a wife so easily. For them, it’s even appealing to find a bride from abroad. I personally know of several stories of men who have done just that.”
“In Amsterdam, there are as many as three young women for every young man, so the man really has his pick.”
In your book *Lucy, Darwin, and Lady Gaga* ,you write that research on humans and animals shows how skewed sex ratios can influence a society in unexpected ways.
"When it comes to love, the sex ratio—the distribution of men and women in a population—influences the strategies men and women choose to find a partner. The general finding from research is that women are more selective and men have to adapt when there are more men than women. This leads men to generally become more faithful and loyal—in part to demonstrate that they are suitable as long-term partners.
In addition, there is a group of young men who have a harder time finding a partner. A society with a high ratio of men to women also leads to social disruption. Men then compete with one another, kill, and turn to crime to raise their status in the eyes of that small group of women. When there are more men in boardrooms, they tend to compete with one another. Driven by a greater need for status, men want to be the top dog. We’re now going to investigate how team dynamics change when more women enter boardrooms. You’d expect power dynamics to shift—perhaps becoming more egalitarian. Or do those women end up fighting each other out of the picture in a different way?”
What are the chances of finding your romantic match at VU University Amsterdam?
“In Amsterdam, and in other university towns as well, there are as many as three young women for every young man, so the man really has his pick. Young women then have to lower their standards to find a partner, which leads to more short-term sexual relationships. Research shows that in a population where there are more young women than young men, women often choose to invest in their careers and postpone having children.'
Can you, as an individual, adapt to this? Do you have the golden tip for finding a partner?
“One of the traits that comes into play when peopleare looking for a long-term partner is whether that person has a sense of humor. There are always moments in a relationship when things don’t go smoothly, and being able to laugh together is very important then. We investigated what kind of humor women find appealing in men. It turned out that the joker who makes fun of others and comes across well himself was the most popular among young women looking for a date. The joker who makes fun of himself was the least popular. It’s a bit of a stereotype, but it’s true: men seem to be primarily interested in women who can laugh at their jokes.’
“If you’ve won the battle in the animal kingdom, that grants you access to sex.”
Some of the conclusions you draw clash with the current debate based on gender equality.
“That may well be the case, and I’m very aware of it, but these are results from scientific research, which has often been conducted in many countries. And they concern average differences between men and women in what they value in a relationship, so that certainly doesn’t apply to everyone. You can certainly look at gender differences from a feminist or philosophical perspective, but those perspectives sometimes make rather bizarre, unsubstantiated claims about human nature. Evolutionary psychology doesn’t do that and, moreover, looks much further back in our history.
Take watching porn, for example. On average, men do this far more than women. It’s often accompanied by a sense of shame, as if it were a sin. As an evolutionary psychologist, I think: yes, it makes sense that there’s such a market for it; men simply have a higher sex drive than women and are more interested in short-term sex. Watching porn is a way to channel that in a form that doesn’t cause too much harm to society. Research shows that male fans watch up to 40 percent more porn after soccer games. Men likely produce more testosterone, which they need for the competition. In the animal kingdom, winning the competition grants access to sex.’
Finally: Do you view humans (and yourself as well) as fully explainable in evolutionary terms, and what about free will?
“I don’t think much about whether free will exists, because you can’t really prove it anyway. It’s important—and now I’m going to play the philosopher for a moment—for a society that there is at least an illusion of free will. That allows us to hold others accountable to one another and to society. Free will as a self-illusion is essential for getting out of bed in the morning.'
Want to read more? In his book *FC Sapiens*, Mark van Vugt answers the question of why humans play and love soccer from an evolutionary psychological perspective.
